Tuesday, August 14, 2007

i got stoned.

so. i was getting ready to lead worship early sunday morning and had this weird feeling in my side. thought nothing of it - maybe a pulled muscle, muscle spasm (as if i know what that is), or just some strange, random cramp. anyway, i sang a practice line or two of the songs for church to make sure i could still sing without having a "strained" look on my face all morning (in front of a large group of people you always want to look as if you haven't been able to go to the restroom for a few days, good lord....) everything seemed to be tolerable so i take a shower and get ready (and let me tell you, i was having a freakishly good hair day) - all seemed well with the universe.

i walk downstairs, get in my car, and begin the long 1 minute drive to the church. life is good. hair is great. i begin the ascent up the egret bay hill and suddenly feel as if someone is repeatedly taking a crow bar to my left side. o my gosh! i thought i was going to drive off the bridge to my watery death... and to be honest, compared to the pain i was feeling on my side that was kind of a pleasant thought. i frantically begin thinking all the normal thoughts you have in this situation... o my gosh i'm going to die! what in the &%$* do i do?! do i have new or old undies on and please, for the love of all things holy, tell me i shaved my legs this morning. i get on the phone [side note: this usually short, 1 minute drive to work now feels like a trans-atlantic train ride through the swiss alps] - i make a couple of calls (at this point, though not logical at all, i'm thinking everyone i know is sitting beside their phones waiting for my call - brilliant. the sun's not even up.).

what made me think of this i have no idea but I thought, "call bruce" (our senior pastor) surely he'll know what to do - he's a senior pastor, c'mon. susan, bruce's wife, answers the phone and all i can squeak out of my frantic voice is "i'm at the church" - apparently the way i sounded made her seriously think i had been mugged or beaten up. that was unintentional, but i'm pretty sure i owe her an apology anyway. i finally get out that something is wrong with my side and i don't know what to do. she quickly says i'll be there in 5 and hangs up. if you think the 1 minute drive over the bridge from hell was long, imagine sitting inside the church lobby trying to not lose it while waiting for your saving grace to show up. i was freaking out and wanting to break things to try to relieve the pain. it was not a high moment in my life. now is a good time for you to know a little soemthing about me - i don't go to the doctor, i don't have a doctor, and i don't even know where a doctor or hospital is located. niiice.

susan shows up, assesses the situation and throws me in her car to head to the hospital. she, of course, asks me which hospital i prefer and i, of course, reply, "there's more than one?" anyway, we get there, i walk in and then fill out paper work. paper work? paper work?!?! i'm doubled over in pain feeling like any moment something is going to explode and make a very large mess on their waiting room floor and they want me to fill out paper work and find my insurance card. are you kidding me?! well, i did it and soon after they called me back. [funny visual - i'm the only one in the E.R. but literally the nurse comes out, looks around, and goes "keri lilley? keri. lilley." if i hadn't been hurting so badly, i was tempted to act like that wasn't my name.] they take me back and by the grace of God the trauma nurse that just came on duty goes to our church and knows susan. now, i'm so not about favoritism or it's "who you know" and all that - "hey can you cut me in line or give me a special deal?", but in this particular situation... bring on the special treatment - i'm dying and she's got the drugs. :)

i go back and they take all my vitals - just so you know, it is NEVER a good sign when the nurse walks over, looks at your chart and goes, "oooooh, kidney stones.... bummer." anyway, they take me back to room 3 and I change clothes (fyi - susan now knows more about me than she ever wanted to) . the reason susan knows more about me than she ever wanted to is because as i am changing clothes i get hit with the worst pain thus far in my little sunday morning adventure and literally want to die. i have never experienced that much physical pain in my entire life. it is unexplainable.

okay. so we've established that i'm dying. well, as susan is tying my attractive hospital gown, the nurse walks in and i am now expected to sit still while a vein is found, an IV is stuck into my arm and 3 shots are given... understand this: i want to kick things, throw things, flail wildly, toss myself into the wall repeatedly, roll on the floor, or run through the closest plate glass window, and i'm asked to "hold still" while they find a vein. believe it or not, and maybe with the help of some freakishly muscular angels, i held still long enough and they shot me full of morphine and a couple of other drugs and finally, FINALLY, there was relief. Oh sweet relief. i cried a lot during this ordeal, but i swear the best tears were from the relief i felt when the pain finally stopped. and you know what? of possible kidney ordeals, i actually had one of your better stone experiences. it didn't go for days - it was only a few hours. i don't still have stones floating around in there. at least that i know about. and it's not a genetic thing so i don't really have to expect that i'll ever have another one. no matter - this event will never be forgotten.

geez, i just noticed how long this blog is. i was about to go into what all i learned through this experience, but that's going to take way too long. i'll make a list. in no particular order.

1) stones hurt.
2) moms cry no matter if it's a scratched knee or a trip to the E.R.
3) true friends always show up. in some way, shape or form.
4) while typing this blog, duane accidentally said doo doo in a sentence. this will only be funny to me.
5) we really are stronger than we think we are.
6) now all my mom friends can no longer tell me i don't know what it's like to give birth. and i have a bonus: i don't have to pay for college for little stoner.
7) i really am okay with pot being used for medicinal purposes. ;) kidding, mom.
8) there is peace knowing Jesus and knowing He really is there with you. always.
9) angels do exist... and most of the time they are in the form of friends.
10) dads really do make things better.

so.... i got stoned. and lived to tell about it. :)