Tuesday, September 4, 2007

there's nothing i can do about it

there's nothing i can do about it.

believe me i've tried. and i can be really creative when i need to be. but nothing works. nothing lasts. there isn't a perfect solution. or really a solution at all. hear me... there is nothing i can do about my past. nothing. i can't change how i've hurt people in my life. i can't take back the poor decisions i've made. i can't make the most humiliating and unwise choices in my life go away. i can try to deny them away. i can try to paint a rosier picture of them. i can try to make fun of them and make it like they're not a big deal and were actually funny. i can try to just avoid them at all costs, but none of it works.

2 important things: 1) this is not about events in my life or juicy tidbits of some sort - this is about the lifelong battle of trying to live life on my own - that is what has caused me to regret so much, and 2) this is not the time to throw in the theological rebuttle about forgiveness and grace and mercy and all that, because from where i'm sitting, i don't think i'm the only one who struggles daily to try and get over their past... and on top of that, to then have those around you who won't let you get over your past. (this was my soap box paragraph.)

so i say again, there's nothing i can do about it. there's nothing i can do about your opinion or anyone else's opinion about me. nothing. i am by no means a person of fame or notoriety, but for as long as i can remember, i have spent the better part of my life in front of people. i've lived the opposite of the behind-the-scenes person. i'm up there in front of what seems like the whole world. the good, the bad, the ugly, the cool hair, the crappy hair, the larger butt, the smaller butt, the old clothes, the new clothes, etc. etc. etc.

side note: the most accurate statement I will ever make about myself is that i desire most of all to be anonymous and yet it seems i can't get away from a calling that forces me to be known. talk about an irony that can very well drive you nuts if you let it......

i need to shed a little light on anyone and everyone's perception of me (perceptions based on fact and those based on foolish conjecture). if anyone is interested in knowing the real keri, let me help you out. i'm a life-long moral failure who's only chance for any kind of life is through a Father that I spend half the time being afraid of. the Son who i have the hardest time trying to believe and grasp the magnitude of exactly what he did for me on that cross. the Spirit that most of the time i just don't understand how it all works and how to let him do what he wants to do and how to hear his voice. wow. that sounded a bit negative. i'm a sinner saved by grace. and now i'm struggling to become like jesus. maybe that's a better way to put it.

from what i know of paul's life in the bible, there is no comprehensive list of all the sin he committed but i know he called himself the chief of all sinners. well, when i look back thus far, i have a feeling i could give him a run for his money. i am not, nor have i ever been (nor will i be) all together, perfect, holy to the point of sainthood, or the most valuable player of all of christendom. i've already blown that curve. what i can be, though, is a person who lives a life realizing there's nothing i can do about it. and believe it or not, that is in no way defeat or apathy. for someone who has spent most of her life trying to please everyone knowing that most expectations she and others have placed on her are unrealistic and unattainable... letting go of trying to manage what people think about me and my life thus far is absolute freedom. and maybe.... just maybe, it's one more mountain slowly moving out of the way of me knowing Jesus profoundly and intimately... and for real this time. i don't want you to think that i am traveling this road alone or in some new agey way i'm finding the champion in me and pulling myself up by my boot straps. you need to know that for this trip to happen my will has to surrender to his... today. tomorrow it'll start all over.

so... why did i write this? i'm tired. i'm tired of letting my past dictate what i think about me and what i think about the remaining possibilities for my little life. it's just too heavy. and once again, there's really nothing i can do about it. i'm tired of random people (and usually they are church people, sadly enough) judging me based on what they think they know about me. i'm tired of trying to convince myself that i really can meet all those unrealistic and unfair expectations. i just can't do it anymore.

i'm working on giving my life completely to Jesus, but it's hard. it's even harder when i'm having to do it in front of everyone. but once again... there's nothing i can do about it. i just ask that you love me anyway.

the real me
foolish heart looks like we're here again
same old game of plastic smile
don't let anybody in
hiding my heartache
will this glass house break
how much will they take before I'm empty
do i let it show, does anybody know

but you see the real me
hiding in my skin, broken from within
unveil me completely
i'm loosening my grasp
there's no need to mask my frailty
‘cause you see the real me

painted on, life is behind a mask
self-inflicted circus clown
i'm tired of the song and dance
living a charade, always on parade
what a mess i've made of my existence
but you love me even now
and still i see somehow

that you see the real me
hiding in my skin, broken from within
unveil me completely
i'm loosening my grasp
there's no need to mask my frailty
‘cause you see the real me

wonderful, beautiful
is what you see when you look at me
you're turning the tattered fabric of my life
into a perfect tapestry
oh, i just wanna be me
I wanna be me

but you see the real me
hiding in my skin, broken from within
unveil me completely
i'm loosening my grasp
there's no need to mask my frailty
oh, ‘cause you see the real me
and you love me just as i am

wonderful, beautiful
is what you see when you look at me